Performance Anxiety putting a strain on my relationship

[jphob]

Hey All,

I'm new here but have been reading a lot of the forum posts looking for a solution or a way to work with my performance anxiety. A little background, I am being treated for low testosterone via inter-muscular injections every 3 weeks. I have noticed a great deal of improvement in my libido and so does my wife. But the flip side of this is that I now have a lot of anxiety and almost too much energy to know what to deal with. I have been working out 3 times a week doing mostly muscle training and I ride my bike quite a bit and get some cardio, and that seems to help a little.

The problem is when we get to the bedroom. We will start kissing and rubbing against each other, but the second I get my pants off I lose it. It feels like my brain is on fire and I cant get into the moment. This is putting a huge gigantic strain on our relationship, to the point where my wife is thinking about leaving me. And this scares me to death. Everything else in our relationship is fantastic except for the sex. My doctor gave me some Xanax to take as needed which helps take some of the edge off but ultimately does nothing when it comes to performing. I am also seeing a therapist, who tells me that this is going to be a slow process to get my confidence back and be able to perform again. But my wife, though she is understanding most of the time, turns around and blames me, almost mocks me when I fail her. And she seems like she is going to snap. This is incredibly hard on me and I am running out of time/ options before I think she leaves me or cheats on me. She is angry with me saying that I "am not trying hard enough" but the amount of pressure on me is unbelievable.

I know I am taking the right steps to address this issue, but I am feeling lost and out of options, I don't know what to do. I know you folks probably dont have any advice for me and are dealing with similar/same issues but it does feel good to get this all down and off my chest.

[Yannis]

Hello and welcome to the forum!
Believe me,most of us here understand how you feel!
I have some concerns though:how long have you been having the problem?Did your wife know about it before you get married?If she did,i cannot see why she would leave you!Marriage means understanding each other's needs,helping and supporting each other!If the problem started recently,that's another issue,but again you deserve her support as long as you're doing real effort to solve the problem and as far as i can see you do!
Another thing...have you met many women who can climax and reach orgasm only by intercourse without stimulating the clitoris?i haven't!What i want to say is that until you solve the problem you should agree and she should be supportive that you would stimulate her orally ,manually or whatever!For most women,intercourse is not that important as we men think and definitely Sex=intercourse is a myth that all grown men should stop worry about,unless we want to have children !there are so many other things you can do during a sexual encounter!
Another thing...as far as i know the quality of a person does not depend on how hard his penis is!In my case,i know who i am,i will try everything to solve the problem,but if woman does not want to be with me...it's ok,i'll find another one!
I'm really interested in the Testosterone replacement therapy,as i may need it as well!I know it is not miraculous,but what about combining it with a drug like Viagra,have you tried it,it's not helping either?
About benzodiazepines(xanax etc.)they may help release a bit of a pressure,but actually they have sexual side effects for sure,it would be better to find a more natural way to be relieved from stress,many options are discussed in the forum.Of course,psychotherapy helps,but it takes time and patience.
That's all i wanted to say to you,Greetings from Greece,trying to solve the problem is difficult for sure,it takes time,energy and patience,but it is a huge first step,imagine all those guys out there who have same issues like us,but refrain from sex and relationships just out of fear of embarassment,that is so immature!

[Flavio]

[...]But my wife, though she is understanding most of the time, turns around and blames me, almost mocks me when I fail her. And she seems like she is going to snap. This is incredibly hard on me and I am running out of time/ options before I think she leaves me or cheats on me. She is angry with me saying that I "am not trying hard enough" [...]

That's absurd, nobody's to blame for this. An erection is not a voluntary reaction, nobody can erect his penis on demand.

I don't want to be rude or judgmental but your wife doesn't seem to be helping much. I'm sure she's not angry at you, she's just frustrated because she believes she's not attractive enough but that kind of attitude is a bit immature and not helpful. When it comes to psychogenic ED, a rational, supportive partner is an essential part of the recovery process.

We've all been there, we know how you feel and, believe me, it is possible to overcome psychogenic ED. It will not be easy but you will get there. Time, patience and knowledge (do a lot of research on this, being well informed is the first step towards recovery) will get you (and this includes your wife, too) there.

[Ryan.c19]

This reminds me of my early twenties.

I remember feeling the dread of potentially losing a girl friend or two because of my anxiety in the bedroom. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you, considering this your wife and not just a girl friend.

I tried a lot of herbal supplements, diet changes and pills before I understood that my very own thinking was to blame. Said another way, my thought processes about my relationship, myself, my life, and my sexual abilities were the root cause of my problems in the bedroom.

The only solution for me was to work on my mental game. What this translated into was avoiding negative thinking about myself, my relationship and my sexual abilities (and inabilities). This is of course easier said than done.

I found it awful hard to avoid thinking negatively about my sex life. I had failed in bed many times in the past, and it was hard for me to not think about these past failures. But to improve I had to avoid entering this vicious cycle of negative thinking and self defeating thoughts.

Negative thoughts about myself and my sex life created negative emotions like anxiety, fear, doubt and worry.

When you have anxiety, fear, doubt, worry and every other negative emotion flowing through your body it is impossible to maintain an erection.

On the flip side, I knew that positive thoughts about myself and my sex life would create positive feelings like hope, happiness and enjoyment.

Emotions like hope, happiness and enjoyment allow your body to function sexually.

It took me a few months to rewire my thinking, but once I did I notice dramatic improvements in performance, my sex life and my relationships. Today I am 26 and I enjoy a fantastic relationship with a wonderful woman.

You can overcome this if you 1) believe its possible 2) take action to change your thinking processes and 3) develop the patience to allow it to occur.

I hope this helps! This is a tough time in your life for sure, but it doesn't have to be like this forever. You can improve and find happiness again in the bedroom and in your relationship.

How your wife will react to all of this is, unfortunately, out of your control.

I wish you the best and let me know if I can help!

All the best,

Ryan

[Caravan]

What great information, Ryan!


And to the thread starter: If your wife is making you stress out about it, you're never going to be able to overcome it. Sex has to be a stress-free situation!

[jphob]

Thanks for replying guys. I have been slowly making some improvements, but I have slipped up a few times. Some background, I have tried viagra, cialis, levitra which do seem to help only if I am not feeling the panic that I sometimes do. It is hard to get myself to stop panicking sometimes, as there isnt any negative thought associated with it. It's comparable to the feeling you get when you are walking down a dark ally and some guy confronts you, you dont know whether to get ready for a fight or run like hell. It really keeps me from getting into the moment, and it is hard to figure out how to stop this feeling rationally.

My doctor also is suggesting I try an SSRI to help with this. I have been on these most of my life and really dont want to get back onto another one. BUT if it helps to stop this from happening and improves our relationship then it is something I will do. In the past I had some sexual side effects on these but I could still get an erection, just not always climax.

If you folks have any thoughts I would appreciate it!

[Caravan]

jphob, I'm in a similar situation as you. So very similar. I can be fine throughout the day, then I'll get in my head that "it's not going to work" and I'll be in panic mode for the rest of the day. It feels like there's a weight on my chest.

I've seen a therapist about the situation, but she's more into medical things such as meditation, etc, that don't seem to work for me. I was considering trying a light anxiety medicine to try to ease the "flow of emotions/thoughts" that I seem to have.

Have you had this issue since before you were taking an SSRI? Did things change immediately after you stopped taking them? Or, did this come out of nowhere?

Helping you may help me help myself.

[jphob]

I was slowly coming off an SSRI when I started my testosterone treatment. I have had it all my life but was never very sexually active until now. I had sex a handful of times before this current relationship and while it did crop up occasionally, I never made the connection "oh this is my brain" and rather blamed it on the medication. The first year of our relationship while I was on an SSRI i never had these issues, I could just never climax. I was also smoking a whole bunch of weed at the time too. I quit smoking and the SSRI around the same time and during the time I was titrating down is when I really noticed my libido was not there. I have talked to doctors who think that maybe being on an SSRI almost all my life has altered my brain chemistry and "did damage." I guess it makes sense as I was young and going through puberty/developing so probably not the best time to start experimenting with doctor prescribed chemicals to alter my mood. But then again there is no studies or evidence to point to this.

What do you guys think about masturbation? Does it help when the time comes to perform or is it more of a hindrance? I try not to and usually don't unless I am so tense and know that there is no way I could perform that day.

Thanks