performance anxiety

[GONE]

Hello,

i have been reading a lot of posts by you guys and all i can say is : great.

I have a performance anxiety issue. My dealing with it is: avoidance.

I have good erections during the morning, day and when i masturbate watching good old porn. I had a girlfriend and my first time was, yes you guessed it; failure. She was very patient and one morning after two months we had sex. After that : NO PROBLEM. And that was all without drugs.

Now there are 1,5 years since we broke up. I had only one one-night stand and was so scared I couldnt do anything. After that i bought viagra and at first attempt failed but during the night somehow managed to make it. It seems very frustrating that just by talking to that girl I had erection while I wanted to have sex--nothing.

I just ordered Vigamed and viagra but still I am very scared of even thinking about invating some girl over. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Do you have some good advice? I dont know what to do.Should i try or just let it go and masturbate for the rest of my life and be lonely ? It makes you tear appart; one one hand you want to be loved and in love on the other hand I just couldnt handle one more didadter....

Thanks,
Gary

[Caravan]

LOUD AND CLEAR, Gary.

(I was actually going to make a thread on this later in the week! You beat me to it!)

I tend to avoid it, too. I have had one one-night-stand, while I did get erect (kinda) I don't know if it was because I was too drunk to care, or too drunk to actually get an erection. We were both beyond drunk and unable to do anything constructive in the bed.

I really shouldn't avoid it. I have magic blue pills I have yet to try (Viagra; got 'em from my buddy's dad - super cool guy) and I basically play it off like I'm not interested. I blew probably a half dozen chances with different women in the past few months. And who knows? It might even work.

My last girlfriend and I split up Jan 2008. I'm 22 and have not had a girlfriend since. When people say "WHY?" I tell them I haven't found anyone to put up with my sh*t. When they ask what that is, I tell them to not worry about it.

It took me almost 6 months before my ex and I had sex for the first time (granted we were 17).

I'm just too nervous to deal with it. I really shouldn't be. I'm confident with everything I do...except laying women. My "game" is pretty good but if I know, for sure that I could perform in bed everytime I climbed in, I'd probably be hitting on anything with boobs. How will I know I won't be able to perform? I don't. I just need to grow some balls and prepare for either scenario.

I also am not a very horny person. Maybe by default, or maybe because my body gave up on me getting with women. I found that if I stop masturbating for a long time I do get aroused once in a while. I'm not sure how to fix this problem either.

[KUser]

No one performs "every time" in bed, guaranteed! Take the pressure off yourself, take your time and do what comes naturally. One night stands where everything is purely about having sex isn't going to be a very good situation to overcome PA with, is it? Find a nice girl, strike up a relationship and take your time. That's what i did, waited 3 weeks before even attempting sex and i think it paid off, but im not out of the woods yet, just better equipped.

This is what i've been doing; if you feel your wood going, stop immediately, go down on her and you'll probably be hard again in under a minute, if not then just get her off and be happy to hear her moan, otherwise stick it back in and rinse repeat as needed. Sex isn't just about penetrative sex, it's about fun. She will not care much as long as you get her off. Most women cant get off from penetration alone anyway, so learn how to get her off, fingers or tongue and then worry about your own satisfaction later.

The way i look at it is that penetrative sex is nearly all about my own satisfaction. Learn to satisfy her for a start, but when it comes to your needs you need to be selfish, take control and do what turns YOU on. After all, you are trying to overcome something very difficult, and you need to think of your own needs to do that. You can worry about being Casanova later. If you're horny and you know messing about might make you lose it, be selfish, grab her and take it (assuming she's not trying to stop you!!). She'll probably get off on the fact you just pulled her pants off, pushed her legs apart and stuck it in, but DONT FORGET to be gentle where it counts else you'll hurt her and she wont love you for that!

I recently started a new relationship with a girl after nearly 10 years of no sex due to a whole bunch of confidence and performance anxiety issues leading to complete avoidance. One night, with the girl i had been seeing for a few weeks, i got drunk, dropped a viagra and had a go. I lost wood (blamed it on the alcohol, but it was probably 50/50 with PA), went down on her, had another go, lost wood and then had another go all in the same session and eventually success. The next time (a few weeks later), success right away, the last time i wasn't feeling particularly horny, had trouble getting hard, eventually got wood but lost it before penetration due to messing about with a condom, so i went down on her, got wood and went for it again, success. *shrugs* It's a roller coaster and it's difficulty to stay cool while being embarrassed, but you have to stay cool, chill out and just have fun.

Eating a nice big meal but fasting for at least 3 hours and then dropping a Viagra approx 15min - 1hr before any attempt can really help out. It wont make you horny, but if you do get horny your little man will shoot up faster and stay harder easier, so any bumps will be smoothed out.

[Flavio]

[...]

I just ordered Vigamed and viagra but still I am very scared of even thinking about invating some girl over. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

[...]

There's nothing wrong with you. Nobody's infallible and all guys feel a bit nervous before sex, I guess. And even if anxiety gets in the way of sex, there are ways to control it.

You said you ordered Viagra and Vigamed and that's great. These drugs are great and there are several studies that show their efficacy: they will improve your erections and make you more confident. They are not, however, miracle drugs and only act locally: if you're anxious, depressed or not in the right mood, they won't work. This is why I am convinced that a centrally acting drug (apomorphine, bremelanotide, Zoraxel) may be a better option in cases of psychogenic ED. I've never tried any of these, though. In December I'll try the apomorphine nasal spray, I'll keep you posted on that.

I'm not a doctor, but I have a couple of techniques that allow me to control my sexual performance anxiety (coital anxiety). Everyone is different, but in my case this seems to work, maybe it will work for you too:

- I've already mentioned oral drugs (Cialis and Vigamed for my erections and Seredyn to control my nerves)

- Talk during sex

- Ask the woman to put the condom for me and let her come on top of me

- When the time to penetrate comes, focus on other parts of her body and not just penetration

- Have sex on an empty stomach (with or without meds, blood is needed in your genitals not your digestive system)

I hope this helps. Keep us posted on your progress.

Good luck!

[Flavio]

I forgot to mention the most important thing: if you're having erection problems, go see a doctor (urologist) - even if you think that your problem is purely psychological. There may be some underlying organic cause that you're not aware of and only a doctor can help you with that.

[GONE]

i ve been to urologist, everything is ok...checked my testosterone level also..ok also

[Christian]

Hi there everyone. It is true that if Happiness, itself, is your goal, then you wont find it. Why, because happiness is a by product of a life well-lived. If sexual fulfilment, in itself, is your goal, then you wont find it - trust me! Guys, we live in a moral universe - and I had nothing to do with that! It is an unalterable fact that sexual fulfilment is a by product of a loving, ongoing relationship between a man and a woman. Yes, do all you can to be healthy and take the best meds. But focus on falling in love, romance, a steady relationship built on mutual trust and giving - get married - no it is not old fashioned nor outdated - but make sure you have a lot to give to her (don't go in to take)! Mark my words - going in and out of relationships is self-defeating and you will be miserable and so empty. I just hope that these words of concern will help someone out there.

[Caravan]

Hi there everyone. It is true that if Happiness, itself, is your goal, then you wont find it. Why, because happiness is a by product of a life well-lived. If sexual fulfilment, in itself, is your goal, then you wont find it - trust me! Guys, we live in a moral universe - and I had nothing to do with that! It is an unalterable fact that sexual fulfilment is a by product of a loving, ongoing relationship between a man and a woman. Yes, do all you can to be healthy and take the best meds. But focus on falling in love, romance, a steady relationship built on mutual trust and giving - get married - no it is not old fashioned nor outdated - but make sure you have a lot to give to her (don't go in to take)! Mark my words - going in and out of relationships is self-defeating and you will be miserable and so empty. I just hope that these words of concern will help someone out there.

I think a lot of us just want to the prepared "when the time comes".

[Flavio]

[...]

I tend to avoid it, too. I have had one one-night-stand, while I did get erect (kinda) I don't know if it was because I was too drunk to care, or too drunk to actually get an erection. We were both beyond drunk and unable to do anything constructive in the bed.

[...]

I never avoided sex but I used to avoid penetration. I was always able to attain a strong erection really fast, but penetration was sometimes an issue (coital anxiety). Anyway, I consider my performance anxiety to be a thing of the past: my current regimen is not infallible, I still fail every now and then but my sex life has improved immensely.

Speaking of avoidance, I have another technique that seems to be helpful: whenever I have a negative sexual experience, I 'give it a rest' and don't have sex for a couple of weeks. I do it so that I don't get too obsessed about it and entangled in negative thoughts. Moreover, moderation is always a good thing.

[Caravan]

You speak the truth there.